NONETHELESS....

TONIGHT...I am tired, and cannot justify why.

I did not engage in a maniacal workout this AM, I did not pedal myself silly, I did not run into the "Red"...yet..I am weary...

This frustrates me, as I have no "reason" to be weary, when I did not do my best to achieve ..or "deserve".... full exhaustion...

But nonetheless...

TONIGHT...I am GRATEFUL for..

1. STOPLIGHTs...because my mind typically operates at least 24-48 hours ahead of me, and my heart rate is just trying to keep up. And the only time I will truly STOP..is when I'm forced to, at a stoplight, and notice the cars surrounding me, the music on the radio, the weather outside my windows..
This is of course ASSUMING I am in a 4 wheeled vehicle, because if I'm on two wheels...is completely different story.. :)

2. The word NONETHELESS..because it truly is a most ridiculous word, but makes one feel quite intellectual if they can manage to interject into into a conversation...or blog post :)

3. My classic Schwinn..bought it for $75 cash from one of my classmates in PA school because she did not want to lug it back across the country to Cali.  This has proven to be my most therapeutic ride. I ride upright, typically in a skirt... the seat is plush, cushy comfortable, a hard cry from the stiff, hard saddle on my single speed...
And there is no room for the maniac,
the junkie...

the maniacal pedaling that occurs on the other wheels.

It is just steady,
mindful,
rolling,
therapeutic...
MOVEMENT...

Maybe its ok to just have MOVEMENT...even if its not maniacal..or in the "red". Perhaps I should be grateful that I can just MOVE..
at all....

Hoping you too will find your therapeutic MOVEMENT..that can help keep you away from
the maniacal...

Until next time my friends...

Gratitude...for ...the "LIFE"....

Tonight..I be grateful for..

1. FOAM ROLLERs - oh foam roller how my IT band/sartorius muscle loves thee!! Rolling around on this ridiculous contraption has proven to be the most joyous 5-10 minutes of my day.  And I have to laugh at the gaggle of folks"compiled" into the stretching/foam rolling section of the gym.  It makes me wonder..
..."What the HELL are we doing to ourselves??

 How much tension are we harboring that we need to cram ourselves into this small corner, in an attempt roll, release, alleviate SOME semblance of tension that we have manged to build up into ourselves.

I feel like is like the "Cheers" section of the gym, where we all go to "commiserate"...albeit sans the libations...
hmmm..perhaps I shall offer a suggestion :)

2. Neighbors - I have Latino neighbors who LOVE to play music and often invite me over for "the wine" :) Others may be bothered by the sound of their music until the wee hours o' the morn, but I actually don't mind rolling over in my bed, and still hearing them playing..
rejoicing...
enjoying..."the life"..

and for TONIGHT... I had the PLEASURE and HONOR..of joining them to celebrate cumpleanos....and enjoying with them.. "the Roja Vinos", along with the celebrations, the familia, the harp, the guitar, the MUSIC..the JOY.......

3. "The Life"...and in particular...MY LIFE...
and while I may not be at my proudest,  I am still GRATEFUL..
to be alive...
and somehow able to enjoy a diminutive amount of accomplishments....

EVER.
DAMN.
DAY...

And for you TOO my dear compadre...WHATEVER you accomplish today...

LET it be ENOUGH...

And may you...

"Living la vida loca!!!"

Until next time...

Stacy Lynn :)

Gratitude ...RAW..COLD...PAINFUL...

TODAY.. Raleigh, NC was EXTREMELY..

COLD…

RAINY….

RAW…

PAINFUL…

HOWEVER… I am STILL grateful for:

1.      1. MY PARENTS…LIFE.IS.HARD…and there is NO teaching or instruction in school about how to navigate this blull$h*t. Therefore, we resort to blaming our faults, shortcomings, flaws, poor genetics on our ….PARENTS. But I have entered a new realm of appreciation for my folks, seeing them as….**GASP** HUMAN BEINGS!

Not just authoritarians who need to inform me of how to conduct myself.  They TOO have their own …flaws, shortcomings, poor genetics.THEY are Not **GASP* perfect!! And it appears my parents and I have recently embarked on a “symbiotic” relationship, a soothing “ebb and flow” of us alternating between caring for each other.  This has served to be most fulfilling.  

2. NOT Running…wha wha whattt???? I’m amazed, and thrilled,of how strong my yoga practice has become now that I..ahem..NOT RUNNING. My muscles are lose, mucho mas tension. Am I no longer running away from the probelem-os?? Able to now face them…with the strength I have now been able to harbor, now that it is not all burnt out will I’m “on the run”?? But ..but..but..I thought running was my SALVAGE???

But perhaps it has been…

my SAVAGE.  

3. The rain, the raw, the PAINFULLY COLD…because perhaps..this helps me to slow down, harvest my energy, so that I will have enough…to face life…

EVERY.DAMN.DAY

YOU GOT THIS FOLKS…And if I may offer..I GOT YOU TOO.

Whether in my words, thoughts, prayers, etc…

I share with you because I adore you and hope that my words will offer some semblance of hope ..

inspiration…

whenever hou find your world might be…

COLD…

RAINY….

RAW…

PAINFUL…

Until next time… ;)

                   

Stacy Lynn

Chasing the demons.....

So while “Your demons may have left the building..

they’re  doing pushups in the parking lot..”

and yes…I myself, have been doing push ups..

In parking lots…

Literally…

EVERY.DAMN.DAY.

A routine that MUST  be completed…

At all costs..

in order to fulfill that sense of “accomplishment”.

because if I am not ACCOMPLISHING something..

EVERY.DAMN.DAY

Then what good am I??

Execpt for today…

Because by now…

even my DEMONs are bunt out.

But.. I MUST STAY STRONG…RIGHT??

Especially in this time of unyielding weakness, darkness..uncertainty..

But..

my body gets tired…

Sore..achey..

My mind gets numbs.

And by now, even the DEMONS have left both the building, and the parking lot.

THEY even think…. this is too  much for one person to bear…

Therefore.. TONIGHT..I am grateful for…

       1.The Bass and Saltwater Fishing Expo in Raleigh – Today I had the joy of seeing my dad “talk shop” with the fisher- person vendors throughout the expo.  it was so soothing to see him engage in one of his passions, as well as teach my Mom and I a few things about the lures he used while fishing in the Atlantic…that man is much smarter than anyone will ever know.

2      2.Fishing –my dad taught me how to cast a line at a very young age…and being on the water with him was more therapeutic then I think I ever realized at the time.  Without even trying, he was able to teach me the utility, the NECESSITY, of the calm..

the stillness…

the QUIET….

Because maybe …that’s when the demons give up, and check out…because no matter how many push ups they do, they cannot compete with the SALTY WATER…

3. Cloud, dreary, cold winter days.  Because sometimes, it’s nice to NOT have “all the lights turned on”. It feels GOOD…to be “sub maximal”, cool, calm…cloudy…

…with a chance of Meatballs J Cuz’ there’s just no room for the demons…in a parking lot..on a cloudy day..

And I’m hoping you TOO, my dear friend, may find your peace..your calm…your… CLOUDY..       

Your “chance of meatballs”..

That will chase those damn demons out of the parking lot.

Until next time..

GRATITUDE...for the NEGATIVE...

In the profound and proverbial words of the legendary James Hetfield during his live Metallica concert in Mexico City...

 "LET'S GET INTO THIS SH$T!!!"..

YES...let's GET INTO IT..

The NEGATIVE SPACE...

the spaces IN BETWEEN...

The spaces we RARELY take the time to notice..

So...what am I grateful for tonight??

1. The breeze...the whipping wind. This is a dichotomy for me...as it provides a painful resistance through which I pedal...but it also provides that rhythmic, calming, sooth-ness, as it ignites the wind chimes of my neighbor below....playing the soft, subtle, soothing natural sounds that only a breeze can provide.

2. My third floor apartment...another dichotomy. The 2 flights of stairs are often painful as I lug all of my "baggage" up the steps.  Yet...I have the privilege of awakening every morning to the giganor tree outside of my bedroom window, hearing the birds "commiserate", and feeling as though I'm sleeping "among the branches".

I have yet to set an alarm since taking on residence here, as I continue to rely on the birds ....

OR..

the OBNOXIOUS loudA$$ camaro of my neighbor..

to wake me from my slumber
at 4am.....

EVERY.DAMN.MORNING :)

3. Hand and foot warmers...holy canoli thank you "hot hands" for how you have saved me in these frigid temps.

4. Hoodies, because even though I may look like the ham-burglar when I take my trash out to the dumpster each evening...... I manage to remain cozy and warm.

5. The NEGATIVE spaces...the painful spots...the uncomfortable places..

the barren...
the empty...
the almost hopeless....
Because without these spaces, I would never know the strength which I can still muster...
against the cold,
the whipping wind,
the daunting climbs...
no matter how weak I might feel..

And I hope that YOU TOO..my dear friend, will be able to find the STRENGTH you need to endure....despite the BARREN,
the COLD,
the HOPELESS,

the NEGATIVE SPACE ...

to which you must confront.....

"Until it sleeps...."

Stacy Lynn :)

GRATITUDE..EVERY.DAMN.DAY...

So in a time of intense, relentless, unrelenting...darkness..I have made a commitment to express my gratitude..

EVERY.DAMN.DAY...

I have been sharing with a only handful of close family and friends...
but for this time...I will share with a few more. :)

I hope you might find either inspiration, or humor...in the Crap-o-la that rolls around in this noggin of mine.. =D

Tonight I am grateful for:

1. CHEERS - in my humble opinion ...one of the BEST DAMN SHOWS in PRIME TIME HISTORY.
EVER.
....just HEARING that theme song soothes me, sends me "home". The sound of Sam Malone and Fraser's voices seem to lower my HR, BP, etc.
I have actually BEEN to the goofy/tourist attraction "Cheers" bar in Boston, and upon my arrival.. as soon as I walked in...EVERYONE KNEW MY NAME !! If yer interested, I can tell you the tale... :)

2. Fizzy/sparkling water...makes my belly feel good, calms and soothes me ...when everything else seems awry..

3. Hardcover books...I attempted to read a novel in PDF version, and it was more painful then pedaling against the wind today...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE hardcover books, especially USED books, as they have a history, and a scent to them that just in not evident in a brandy spankin' new book.  There is a passion so inherently evident in the historical paper and binding, and the turning of the pages provides that rhythmic motion that soothes and calms, and can be so much more therapeutic then ...actual therapy... :)

That's all I got folks..until next time..

Stacy Lynn =D

SURRENDER...

This term has always held such a negative connotation to me...
HOW could I possibly GIVE IN???
WHY would I ever GIVE UP???

I MUST continue to press forward, at all costs, protect myself , stay strong..build my muscles  move..move..move...

ALWAYS. KEEP. MOVING..

But I've actually "moved" so much, that now I literally cannot "move" at the speed to which I am accustomed.

Enduring what is likely an overuse injury from an exorbitant amount of running, I ...CANNOT RUN...

GASP....

Its almost ironical...that I spent so much time RUNNING..away...from all the problem-os that plagued me ..and now..I literally CANNOT run...

The mere thought of this possibility typically would have sent me into a feverish panic...

However, the reality has been...

Enlightening.
And quite possibly even a tad liberating.

Having to operate at an ...ahem..."normocephalic" pace...has been both humbling..and healing....

I guess this is my FORCED SURRENDER.

And after a rather uncomfortable...but necessary, YIN yoga class this afternoon, I learned the necessity..and utility...of SURRENDER...

And I hope that YOU too, my dear friend, and reader... will be able to find the necessary SURRENDER in your life...

Until next time...