Where do I take this pain of mine....

"Where do I take this pain of mine?

I RUN, but it stays right by my side!!"

Thank you Mr. Hetfield for joining me on this run-ey/trail-ey adventure where you can yet again, so ELOQUENTLY put into words…EXACTLY what is in my head.... 

"So tear me open, pour me out

There’s things inside that scream and shout”

 YEP YEP....you got it…those things sure do scream and shout..

“Just like the curse, just like the stray

You feed it once and now it stays

Now it stays"

Yep YES YESSIR EY ...It sure does stay…and stay….annnnndddddd staaaaayyy 

"So tear me open but beware  ..

There’s things inside without a care" - .oh boy better believe it..there's no telling WHAT's gonna come outta this mug o' mine...  and I've certainly been "ripped" open these past couple o' years...

"And the dirt still stains me

So wash me until I’m clean" 

YES..CLEAN!! Just want to be CLEAN…although I find it so ironic that the only time I feel most "Clean" is after a muddy romp in the woods with these two feet on a trail, or when I can dig my hands in the dirt....

“And the pain still hates me

So hold me until it sleeps"

Ugh…SLEEP…I think the sleep hates me more than the pain…the pain…eh…we good ole’ chaps by now…I picture us side-by-side at a dingy old pub toasting glass mugs o’ beer….or wine…or whatever the pain requires at the time 

And as I enjoyed my feet along the trail on some familiar terrain… that these feet have not seen in QUITE SOME TIME...I felt..at home.  

And as I trotted along, I enjoyed an odd paradoxical feeling of "empty-yet-full", "tired-but-energized".  But it seemed to fuel me as I felt myself float along the trail, over the roots, through the mud puddles.  But suddenly I began feeling on odd sensation over my right hip, exactly where that dynamic hip screw is.  And as I've already LITERALLY bent one of the screws, I was cautioned by my surgeon about the possibility of it "backing out" if i'm not careful.

Whoa boy....

tear me open …

poor me out…

But I didn’t feel pain per se… just an odd "thumping" feeling.  Could it actually be that pesky little screw trying to back its way out...?? 

And as I continued to float along the trail, I let my mind wonder and ponder on this.  So what if it was backing out, I would probably need another surgery. And I'd be outta running for a while...AGAIN...possibly on a walker..AGAIN.  But that would BE OK...I would deal with it the way I did before.  Either way, I would continue to enjoy THIS moment…the moment I’m in RIGHT NOW, and every step of this trail.  Because I CANNOT worry about things I can't control, and I know I can somehow find the strength to endure whatever lies ahead.  And oh' how metaphorical life can be..because this is exactly how I feel about taking my new job!  I have no idea what I'm getting myself into with transplant patients. This COMPLETELY out of my wheel house and not even in the realm of my comfort zone ....but in the wise words of Johnny Depp (i.e. George Jung) in the epic film "Blow" just before he is about to meet with Fidel Castro 2 seconds after Fidel point blank blow’s someone's head off ....George exclaims "EFF IT" ..and walks over to meet Mr. Castro.  Because what the hell...maybe I'll get my head blown off...or maybe I'll discover a MOST magnificent trail that I didn't even know existed, or an unknown craft for treating patients. 

So I continue to run, even though that screw is probably backing out..and I'm gonna need another surgery..and I'm about to embark on a career that may very well back ALL of my screws out!! To it all I say "EFF IT" ..let's get into this Sh$T!!

And as I revel in my post run "high" and enjoy a delish post-muddy-trail run stretch in the parking lot..I reach behind me and notice the back pocket of my shirt..which I had completely forgotten I had filled early this morning with a handful of "Emergency Nuts" in the event of a "mid-run snack crisis".  It was then that I realized..it was the NUTS ..not the screws….that were "thumping" my thigh! Oh how ironical….and while I’ve never employed a “hashtag” before, I think it is certainly warranted ]as there are UM....NO.WORDS.TO.DESCRIBE.THIS.Ludicriousness…

So I will leave you with #ohmygodLMAOIamAStupidStpudSchmuckNowGoReadAboutFolksWhoHaveREALProblems!!!

Maybe I need more sleep…. 

Thank you for letting me share 

So you always ask me....why do I wake up so damn early?

...because that's where and when I find her :)
...because amazing things happen at the wee hours of the morning before the rest of the world wakes up..
...because i'm much more gentle with myself when its that early
....because I decided to try some "power lifting" crossfit moves this morning...just to remind myself what it was to be strong...and as I stared at myself in the mirror...and Metallica was blasting in my ears...and I felt the "healthy angry energy" i used to tap into ...I suddenly realized...wow...there she is again.  Hey there remember me? How have you been? I almost...ALMOST started to cry as I wondered ...where have you been so long? But I was always RIGHT HERE.

And then I stop home before pedaling on with my adventurous day...and because its so early and your still asleep...I let the pooch out back.  I give her the usual post-pee treat, but she gets it caught in her jowls as she often does.  I kneel down to help her out, and linger a few minutes longer to tug on her floppy ears as I used to do, because it used to calm me so well.  While on the floor I notice some books array under the coffee table.  As I reach to "fix" them..I notice the funky earthy journal I bought in Asheville a million years ago.  I forgot about this, have I ever actually written in it? I open it up and noticed entries that began in January of 2014, my second semester of PA school.  Below each dated entry is a list of 5 items.  Now I remember, I began that year listing 5 things I was grateful for every day...or every few days, so I wouldn't feel so burdened and "strangled" by PA school.  The entries began on 1/4/14, and the last entry was on 3/4/15....5 days before I broke my hip.
And on that beautifully broken day, I suppose all those old wounds which had so conveniently and nicely scabbed over, had been ripped open once again.  I often wondered how I would find my "true self" again, the way I did when my heart was broken a million and one years ago.  A broken heart is the most precious pain you can receive, as once its ripped open, you can find out whats inside.  But it can only happen once, right? I'm never going to have another broken heart again?
But I can have a broken hip, and once again, discover all that was ...and still is..inside.
But this time was different.  Instead of becoming angry and using it to fuel my strength, I became vulnerable.  Every day was a challenge to avoid becoming too "weak".  I was so concentrated on avoiding "the weakness" that I had forgotten what it was to be strong.....and how I can tap into that strength whenever I need it most...especially at the wee hours of the morning.
Because if I "sleep in"...I sleep past the demons....and then they stay with me, and I spend the rest of the day trying to shake them.  And by waking later, I have less time and need to spend MORE energy trying to shake them loose.  But at the wee hours of the morning, I can take me time, I can be gentle, ease into the strength, and by the end of it...I am so much stronger than I realized I was a couple of hours earlier.  I have no expectations at that hour, just happy to be here and be moving.  And the demons wash away gradually and naturally, as they too are too tired to put up much of a fight.  And my "healthy angry energy" can fuel me and carry me through the rest of the day.
As I stared at myself in the mirror, hands on the barbell, ready for my "power move", Metallica reminding me who I was...who I am...where I came from...and now...how I will always have the strength to go where I want to/need to go....I almost cried...and would have been glad too.  Wouldn't that have been comical, to have tears streaming down my face as I perform my "power move" with the ...ahem...bar..only...lol!  Well.. there was the one set that I added a whopping 2.5lbs plate to each side :)
But I wonder if there is anyone else out there who continues to listen to Metallica during their post-workout yoga time? Because there's nothing more calming to me then when I can "breathe" through the mayhem blasting in my ears.
So you always wonder...why do I wake up so damn early?? I've been asking myself that a lot lately.  And a few weeks ago, just before Christmas, I had the urge again, to wake up well before dawn.  The weather permitted, and I somehow found a nugget of energy to pedal my way to start my day in the dark 5am hour.  And as soon I turned out of our street, I saw a shooting star.  I NEVER would have seen that in the daylight, or behind the wheel of a car.  That same day I was offered the job I had been hoping for.  But now I wait to see if they'll accept my counter offer....

So again today, I resisted the thoughts of "sleeping with the demons".  And because of that, I found my journal under the coffee table, I found myself in the mirror and in my words, and can remember what it is to be grateful.........coincidence?

Oh...and the second I hit "Publish" to my blog....my phone rang from Duke with a follow up offer to my counter offer...
and now...I am employed..and get to live the dream :)
(O.M.G.  Holy -f*#k#(G S*#T!! now I gotta treat patients FOR REALSIES!!! )

Because....

 I would like you to feel as if you're sitting in the comfort of your local watering hole while wasting your time reading this crap-o-la... :).