The STING

"Paddle paddle paddle.. POP UP!!" he yells...
ah geeze...my "popups" are sooo slloooow ..but I think I almost go...

SLAM!!!

Face plant into the water...
Shake it off..try again..

"Paddle paddle paddle paddle paddle POP UP!!" he yells summore..
ah crap...my toe got caught...IMMEDIATE face plant...

"Paddle paddle paddle.. POP UP!!"

damn my instructor is REALLY cute...
ah crapp...i'm gonna miss this one..
oh...wait.....nope. I think ..I think I got this..

BAM!!!

Full body slam into the water...

**SIGH**

"Maybe I'm just not that good are reading the waves?"I thought to myself...
I don't know how to recognize the good ones ...cuz there were some waves that I didn't even REALIZE would turn into a "rid-able" wave until my instructor told me to start paddling....

But what if I’m lying to myself ? What if I CAN read the good waves ... and I’m missing them on purpose ?

Because I’m afraid...
AFRAID I won’t be able to ride them well..

UGH...FEAR...
WHY are you always lurking? Like that shark ..or JELLYFISH..in the water..
just WAITING to sting me....

Or do I think there is really going to be a “best” wave, and that's what I am holding out for?
Maybe I should just ride ANY wave..stop waiting for the "BEST" wave..and just ENJOY A RIDE...

Or maybe I just want to float for a while...and not catch ANY waves..
I so enjoyed the feel of the ocean water as it "cradled" me while I lie  motionless on top of the board....
Sometimes its nice just to float...stop trying so hard to catch EVERYTHING....
or ANYTHING.....
Maybe I've been trying to ride the "best" waves for too long...
And now..I'm just..

TIRED.

And just want to float....

But then, there is ALWAYS that ONE GREAT WAVE...that one GREAT RIDE...
That epic "HIT"...
That keeps you coming back for more..
Like any good junkie..

so that maybe..
JUST MAYBE.

you can feel that good once again..

But its never gonna be quite the same..
Cuz no two waves are ever the same.

But the amazing thing about the ocean, is there will ALWAYS be more waves..no matter how many good ones you let pass by...

there will always be more to come.

And just like the waves… our thoughts....our thoughts will come and go, with that same rhythmic pushing/pulling as the waves...
rolling in and out.
And like the waves, some thoughts will be better than others, but we don't  have to ride them all.
Because there will always be more to come…                                    

I also learned that waves in the early morning are much better to ride, because the air off the land is much cooler, and therefore sinks lower into the water, coming up beneath the waves, which allows them  to "ride" much longer.  As opposed to the afternoon, when the air is much warmer, causing it to rise and come down on top of the waves, which makes them break much sooner.

Maybe that's why I like my early mornings so much...
The cooler air...
The longer waves....
Once the heat of that day sets in, I begin to break much sooner....
FACEPLANT..
OVER and OVER
again...

So sometimes it's just nice...
To float...
Let the ocean water cradle and soothe me...

HOWEVER.... do not be disillusioned, because the ocean can hurt you too..
....throw you around,
pummel you with waves.

Or maybe you get stung by a GD*F Jellyfish while trying to ride those waves.  And even though it is only you and two young children taking those surf lesson, your 40y/o A$$ is the one running outta the water screaming...

But you CANNOT let the fear....or the sting, or the GD$F jellyfish win...
at least get into the water..
even if you just float for a while...

even if you let all the "good" ones pass you by...

Because there will always be more to come.

......and you just might catch a great one that you didn't even realize was a wave at all........

     RIDE (OR FLOAT!) ON MY FRIENDS!!

GREEN FIGS

I've realized two very crucial truths today:

Truth # 1: Green figs are in fact...DELICIOUS. One may confuse them for an "unripe" brown turkey fig, to which we are so accustomed to seeing in the South. However, Green Figs are actually a variety all their own. And even at their "fullest and ripest", they remain bright GREEN.  But don't be fooled, they are quite ripe..and MAGICALLY DELICIOUS...

Truth #2: I have lived with MANY MANY different people over the years: My parents and big bro, countless roommates in college and grad school, boys, girls, dogs, cats, birds, fish, snakes, ferrets, chameleons (college daze, don't ask!!) significant others, etc. And upon reflection I finally realized the person I had the HARDEST time living with was ...

MYSELF...

UGH...

ME.

Granted. I never leave the seat up, I don't leave disgustoid globs of toothpaste in the bathroom sink or dirty dishes in the kitchen sink and I ALWAYS courtesy flush (HOLLA!!).  Although admittedly....I do tend to leave windows and doors open, and often forget to turn off the faucet :o...

And I am beginning to wonder if the various roomie battles I have endured over the years as I voiced my frustrations and criticisms towards the other for not living according to my "standards", was more so a battle...with myself??

Maybe I was tired of trying to live to my own "standard"?? And maybe I was also ENVIOUS of  the aforementioned roomie, because at least they had the option to LEAVE, even if only for a brief moment.
They could have a REPRIEVE from me.

But I was STUCK...

stuck with myself..

every day..
and night.

There I was...
in the mirror...
again...
EVERY.SINGLE.DAY..

STILL.LIVING.HERE...

UGH....

It sure can be EXHAUSTING....

And I got into medicine because I wanted to help people achieve the best "version" of themselves, whatever that meant for them.  But I somehow lost this along the way, as I saw how people actually LIVED...and how incredibly different their "best version" was compared to what I had envisioned for them.

And as I was seeing patients in their homes, and tripping over empty boxes of Bojangles, and navigated around bowls of ice cream, stale bed residing pop tarts and cigarette smoke to assess patient vitals signs, and proceeded to voice my frustrations/recommendations for how they might improve their existence, I am now realizing maybe this IS the best version for them.  And no amount of medication, recommendation, encouragement or "advisement" on my part was going to change that.

And maybe I was envious of them TOO...
For being so satisfied with themselves...

EXACTLY AS THEY ARE...

Amongst the mes, and disorder.....and COPD...and diabetes, and hypertension, and dirty dishes.....and unfolded laundry... and empty containers, and unorganized mail...and...and...and....

I've been reaching and OVER reaching for a "standard" for

SO.DAMN.LONG...

and now...
....I'm finally UTTERLY
and TRULY

EXHAUSTED.....

I can feel it in my BONES...

and in my SOUL...

Medicine is not what I thought it would be, and I've completely lost my purpose  ...
In fact, I'm not sure I even had one to begin with..

And I've decided to turn it ALL in....

go back to the start...so I may begin again.

And while I'll continue to work towards the best version of myself..

NOW, I will ALSO (TRY REALLY HARD!!!) to be satisfied with myself ...EXACTLY as I am
IN THIS MOMENT..

with stains on my shirt,
dirty dishes in the sink,
unfolded laundry....

Kinda like the Green figs, life can be deceptively delicious even if one might suspect we are"unripe" and not ready for picking.....

I hope this will help inspire you too... to except yourself 

EXACTLY AS YOU ARE...

(BUT ALWAYS COURTESY FLUSH PEOPLE!!! ;) )

GREEN FIGS Courtesy of my beloved neighbors, whose tree I continue to "ravage" when they are out of town!!! Bike helmet collection as I often do "drive by" pedals to scope out availability... ;)

Bacon wrapped...

Sometimes I have an eating disorder..

and sometimes ..

I have bacon wrapped mozzarella on a stick, with a side of wasabi sauce..from a food truck..because it is EFFIN'..deLISCHOUS...

And maybe I feel like my MIND is "bacon wrapped" ...by this eating disorder...and medical career.

Suffocating me,

squeezing the life out of me...

until I can't breath.

And I have become so accustomed to being "breathless" that its the only way I know how to live anymore.

And then I remember... I can go back to retrieve my old classic SCHWINN..
and ride like I have always wanted to ..

UPRIGHT...
beautiful..

FREE...

And I can also retrieve a (NOT so old!) classic friend...who knew me WELL before my mind became "bacon wrapped" by the eating disorder...and the medical career...

and he reminds me that I am still..

BEAUTIFUL..

and free....

And sometimes you get stuck...running in an effin' DOWNPOUR on your way to your girl's house to retrieve that old classic SCHWINN. And there you are...screaming, running, crying in the rain, but running as fast you as you can to get out of the effin downpour.
You show up in her garage, drenched, sopping wet.  She hands you some towels, and you both commiserate in the garage at the misery of the pouring rain..

UNTIL...

The sun finally comes out.

And now you are handed another opportunity to ride...
upright..
beautiful...
and FREE.

SO my loves....I leave you with this:
While some may believe the only "SURE" thing in life is "Death and Taxes"...I would like to add to that list...the SUN..because it will MOST DEFINITELY ALWAYS..ALWAYS...

ALWAYS

RISE AGAIN....