I've realized two very crucial truths today:
Truth # 1: Green figs are in fact...DELICIOUS. One may confuse them for an "unripe" brown turkey fig, to which we are so accustomed to seeing in the South. However, Green Figs are actually a variety all their own. And even at their "fullest and ripest", they remain bright GREEN. But don't be fooled, they are quite ripe..and MAGICALLY DELICIOUS...
Truth #2: I have lived with MANY MANY different people over the years: My parents and big bro, countless roommates in college and grad school, boys, girls, dogs, cats, birds, fish, snakes, ferrets, chameleons (college daze, don't ask!!) significant others, etc. And upon reflection I finally realized the person I had the HARDEST time living with was ...
MYSELF...
UGH...
ME.
Granted. I never leave the seat up, I don't leave disgustoid globs of toothpaste in the bathroom sink or dirty dishes in the kitchen sink and I ALWAYS courtesy flush (HOLLA!!). Although admittedly....I do tend to leave windows and doors open, and often forget to turn off the faucet :o...
And I am beginning to wonder if the various roomie battles I have endured over the years as I voiced my frustrations and criticisms towards the other for not living according to my "standards", was more so a battle...with myself??
Maybe I was tired of trying to live to my own "standard"?? And maybe I was also ENVIOUS of the aforementioned roomie, because at least they had the option to LEAVE, even if only for a brief moment.
They could have a REPRIEVE from me.
But I was STUCK...
stuck with myself..
every day..
and night.
There I was...
in the mirror...
again...
EVERY.SINGLE.DAY..
STILL.LIVING.HERE...
UGH....
It sure can be EXHAUSTING....
And I got into medicine because I wanted to help people achieve the best "version" of themselves, whatever that meant for them. But I somehow lost this along the way, as I saw how people actually LIVED...and how incredibly different their "best version" was compared to what I had envisioned for them.
And as I was seeing patients in their homes, and tripping over empty boxes of Bojangles, and navigated around bowls of ice cream, stale bed residing pop tarts and cigarette smoke to assess patient vitals signs, and proceeded to voice my frustrations/recommendations for how they might improve their existence, I am now realizing maybe this IS the best version for them. And no amount of medication, recommendation, encouragement or "advisement" on my part was going to change that.
And maybe I was envious of them TOO...
For being so satisfied with themselves...
EXACTLY AS THEY ARE...
Amongst the mes, and disorder.....and COPD...and diabetes, and hypertension, and dirty dishes.....and unfolded laundry... and empty containers, and unorganized mail...and...and...and....
I've been reaching and OVER reaching for a "standard" for
SO.DAMN.LONG...
and now...
....I'm finally UTTERLY
and TRULY
EXHAUSTED.....
I can feel it in my BONES...
and in my SOUL...
Medicine is not what I thought it would be, and I've completely lost my purpose ...
In fact, I'm not sure I even had one to begin with..
And I've decided to turn it ALL in....
go back to the start...so I may begin again.
And while I'll continue to work towards the best version of myself..
NOW, I will ALSO (TRY REALLY HARD!!!) to be satisfied with myself ...EXACTLY as I am
IN THIS MOMENT..
with stains on my shirt,
dirty dishes in the sink,
unfolded laundry....
Kinda like the Green figs, life can be deceptively delicious even if one might suspect we are"unripe" and not ready for picking.....
I hope this will help inspire you too... to except yourself
EXACTLY AS YOU ARE...
(BUT ALWAYS COURTESY FLUSH PEOPLE!!! ;) )
GREEN FIGS Courtesy of my beloved neighbors, whose tree I continue to "ravage" when they are out of town!!! Bike helmet collection as I often do "drive by" pedals to scope out availability... ;)
