There's beauty in the bleeding...

BLEEDING ME

~Metallica

I'm diggin' my way to somethin' better

I'm pushin' to stay with something better

I'm sowing the seeds I take for granted

This thorn in my side is from the tree I've planted

It tears me and I bleed.....

Oh that thorn in my side.....how it bleeds me....

But then there was the day ...TODAY....when I woke up and I DID NOT WANT TO RUN....

but, this is my day off...my free day to go romp in the woods..how could I NOT WANT THIS???

Nope...not on this morning.


I did not want to RUN AWAY from the thorn in my side.


I decided instead of earning my food today...I would do it backwards.


I decided I would pedal to the coffee FIRST...without feeling the obligation to "earn it".


And as I pedal through downtown Raleigh with the sun rising over the high rise buildings and headed toward my usual coffee establishments, I whiz past a coffee shop I've never noticed before.

In large white block letters on the big bay windows i see "DRAFT COFFEE"...

wha wha whaaat??

My head exploded. Coffee on DRAFT? NO WAY...

As this is not my "usual" coffee spot...I lock the bike outside with a bit of hesitancy, but we'll give it a try, its bizzaro-backwards world today anyways so let's throw caution to the wind - literally, cuz it was windy as hell through those city streets!!

I slowly enter. this new find.....and the first thing I notice on the chalk board menu below written neatly below COFFEE is:

SLOW COFFEE (pour over) $4.50

OH.MY.GOD...am I still sleeping, I must be DREAMING??

The beautiful barista even allows me to sample the "fast batch brews" before I decide to commit to the slow pour over. While my selection is being prepared I wander over to the coffee bar and wonder if its possible that this establishment might also possess one of my other "standards" of fine estalishmentary....HOOKS below the bar. Because another thing that drives me absolutely BANANA HAMMOCKS is when a bar does NOT offer hooks with which to hang my baggage. Cuz don't most of us saunter up to a bar with some sorta baggage that we need to hang for a while???

I slowly bend over to peak below....and ALAS there, shimmering in the morning sunlight, are perfectly placed hooks for my "baggage".

OH.MH.GOD...I MUST STILL BE DREAMING!

I hang my items just as I'm handed my slow pour over, which is served in a "for here" mug, as I'm finally gonna stick around for a while..

I takes a sip of the brew...black...no cream...

And....

IT

IS

MAGNIFICENT...

The perfect temperature...the perfect rate of flow of the warm, smooth, silky brew over the thick rim of the mug as it passes my lips and down my gob to warm my belly on this chilly morning.
I peak underneath the mug, while not a VICTOR mug, this is OK, as they are understandably hard to come by.
Instead, imprinted below this mug is a kind reminder of the beauty of a "SLOW BREW"

I find it ironic that I prefer my coffee to be SLOW, while everything else in my life insists on being so FAST, in such a flurry, always on the go, always so "strung out".

I watch downtown Raleigh outside the window of this fine new establishment. I watch cars whiz by. and wind blow around the pedestrians.....I even notice a few runners trot by...

not for me today.

I continue to sip my slow brew, called "Wengo" from a roaster on the west coast - Huckleberry.

The coffee is smooth, balanced, not too much spice or smoke to it...

Kinda like how I feel right now..smooth, balanced, not too much spice or smoke to me right now. I don't feel the urge to whiz around, I am actually feeling comfortable in this stillness....

and I don't always need a second cup..
if I allow myself to enjoy the first.

Oh I feel dizzy and drunk with inspiration....

Here I am..in a NEW coffee establishment..that has met all of my fine establishmentary standards.

Typing away on a NEW laptop..that doesn't have all the "stains and spills" that my former did, as she suffered an untimely demise at the hands of an exploding fizzy-seltzer drink in my commuter bag while pedaling along on a chilly morning many weeks ago.

But maybe it was for the best, as so much DISORDER went into that laptop.

I think about the disorder, and the starvation. There seems to be something very pure and cleansing about starvation, a DETOX, if you will.

But man I been "detoxing" for quite some time now.
And I'm finding it harder and harder to stay AHEAD of the burn, and stay AHEAD of the hunger.

But I feel that through the "starvation", I am able to eliminate too much stimulus, which allows me to see things much more clearly. But like everything else, this too can only be good in small doses, 'cuz then the scale tips and the starvation becomes ..

relentless...
maddening..
controlling,..

and it robs you of your "beauty"..

But there still are plenty of days when I WANT to starve...I NEED to starve..

Why?

Because there's beauty in the bleeding...
and in the spilling..
and in all of the stains in my life...
and clarity in the starving...to realize all of this.

I am so frustrated with myself because I am constantly spilling and staining, but I suppose that's what happen when you you constantly "overfill" your cup.

Why must I always have so much?
My appetite for everything seems to be insatiable..and for this, I am perpetually ashamed.

I am ashamed of my THIRST and HUNGER and GLUTTONY for EVERYTHING in this life..

for slowly poured AND CRACK coffee....
For fine Spanish AND Italian reds AND delicate crisp French whites
AND...creamy west coast Chards..
For beautifully written words and novels to cram into my bookcase
For colorful markers and pens and sharpies to decorate my world...
For witty greeting cards and stationary to share my thoughts...
For plants and flowers and vines to accentuate mother nature's splendor....
For diagnoses..and treatments...and medication interactions ....
For tunes...and Bruce...and Metallica.....and Bob...
For trails ....and pedaling ....and paddling...and plodding....
For hooded sweatshirts and warm comfy pull overs.....
For long scrumptious socks to keep my tootsies toasty....
For four paws and floppy ears....
For bread...and butter ....AND food..AND snacks...

I do love food...and I do love LIFE.

And I want to enjoy food and not feel guilty about it....
I want to run and ride and jump and paddle...and not feel pain while doing so.
When did it all become so painful?
Why do i find myself in so many coffee shops?
And why don't I blow over in this wind when I feel that I should?

Because there's beauty in the bleeding...

I'm tired of being ashamed for being such a mess...

Because there's beauty in the bleeding...

And I believe there is beauty in EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US....in our bleeding, in our spilling, in our stains...
As this is what makes us WHO WE ARE...and we are all BEAUTIFUL JUST AS WE ARE.
And we should NEVER be ashamed of WHO WE ARE..

I believe in YOU...and I thank you...dear friend....who reads these words ...for continuing to inspire me and for believing in ME..and all my stains :)