GRATITUDE...for the NEGATIVE...

In the profound and proverbial words of the legendary James Hetfield during his live Metallica concert in Mexico City...

 "LET'S GET INTO THIS SH$T!!!"..

YES...let's GET INTO IT..

The NEGATIVE SPACE...

the spaces IN BETWEEN...

The spaces we RARELY take the time to notice..

So...what am I grateful for tonight??

1. The breeze...the whipping wind. This is a dichotomy for me...as it provides a painful resistance through which I pedal...but it also provides that rhythmic, calming, sooth-ness, as it ignites the wind chimes of my neighbor below....playing the soft, subtle, soothing natural sounds that only a breeze can provide.

2. My third floor apartment...another dichotomy. The 2 flights of stairs are often painful as I lug all of my "baggage" up the steps.  Yet...I have the privilege of awakening every morning to the giganor tree outside of my bedroom window, hearing the birds "commiserate", and feeling as though I'm sleeping "among the branches".

I have yet to set an alarm since taking on residence here, as I continue to rely on the birds ....

OR..

the OBNOXIOUS loudA$$ camaro of my neighbor..

to wake me from my slumber
at 4am.....

EVERY.DAMN.MORNING :)

3. Hand and foot warmers...holy canoli thank you "hot hands" for how you have saved me in these frigid temps.

4. Hoodies, because even though I may look like the ham-burglar when I take my trash out to the dumpster each evening...... I manage to remain cozy and warm.

5. The NEGATIVE spaces...the painful spots...the uncomfortable places..

the barren...
the empty...
the almost hopeless....
Because without these spaces, I would never know the strength which I can still muster...
against the cold,
the whipping wind,
the daunting climbs...
no matter how weak I might feel..

And I hope that YOU TOO..my dear friend, will be able to find the STRENGTH you need to endure....despite the BARREN,
the COLD,
the HOPELESS,

the NEGATIVE SPACE ...

to which you must confront.....

"Until it sleeps...."

Stacy Lynn :)

GRATITUDE..EVERY.DAMN.DAY...

So in a time of intense, relentless, unrelenting...darkness..I have made a commitment to express my gratitude..

EVERY.DAMN.DAY...

I have been sharing with a only handful of close family and friends...
but for this time...I will share with a few more. :)

I hope you might find either inspiration, or humor...in the Crap-o-la that rolls around in this noggin of mine.. =D

Tonight I am grateful for:

1. CHEERS - in my humble opinion ...one of the BEST DAMN SHOWS in PRIME TIME HISTORY.
EVER.
....just HEARING that theme song soothes me, sends me "home". The sound of Sam Malone and Fraser's voices seem to lower my HR, BP, etc.
I have actually BEEN to the goofy/tourist attraction "Cheers" bar in Boston, and upon my arrival.. as soon as I walked in...EVERYONE KNEW MY NAME !! If yer interested, I can tell you the tale... :)

2. Fizzy/sparkling water...makes my belly feel good, calms and soothes me ...when everything else seems awry..

3. Hardcover books...I attempted to read a novel in PDF version, and it was more painful then pedaling against the wind today...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE hardcover books, especially USED books, as they have a history, and a scent to them that just in not evident in a brandy spankin' new book.  There is a passion so inherently evident in the historical paper and binding, and the turning of the pages provides that rhythmic motion that soothes and calms, and can be so much more therapeutic then ...actual therapy... :)

That's all I got folks..until next time..

Stacy Lynn =D

SURRENDER...

This term has always held such a negative connotation to me...
HOW could I possibly GIVE IN???
WHY would I ever GIVE UP???

I MUST continue to press forward, at all costs, protect myself , stay strong..build my muscles  move..move..move...

ALWAYS. KEEP. MOVING..

But I've actually "moved" so much, that now I literally cannot "move" at the speed to which I am accustomed.

Enduring what is likely an overuse injury from an exorbitant amount of running, I ...CANNOT RUN...

GASP....

Its almost ironical...that I spent so much time RUNNING..away...from all the problem-os that plagued me ..and now..I literally CANNOT run...

The mere thought of this possibility typically would have sent me into a feverish panic...

However, the reality has been...

Enlightening.
And quite possibly even a tad liberating.

Having to operate at an ...ahem..."normocephalic" pace...has been both humbling..and healing....

I guess this is my FORCED SURRENDER.

And after a rather uncomfortable...but necessary, YIN yoga class this afternoon, I learned the necessity..and utility...of SURRENDER...

And I hope that YOU too, my dear friend, and reader... will be able to find the necessary SURRENDER in your life...

Until next time...

The STING

"Paddle paddle paddle.. POP UP!!" he yells...
ah geeze...my "popups" are sooo slloooow ..but I think I almost go...

SLAM!!!

Face plant into the water...
Shake it off..try again..

"Paddle paddle paddle paddle paddle POP UP!!" he yells summore..
ah crap...my toe got caught...IMMEDIATE face plant...

"Paddle paddle paddle.. POP UP!!"

damn my instructor is REALLY cute...
ah crapp...i'm gonna miss this one..
oh...wait.....nope. I think ..I think I got this..

BAM!!!

Full body slam into the water...

**SIGH**

"Maybe I'm just not that good are reading the waves?"I thought to myself...
I don't know how to recognize the good ones ...cuz there were some waves that I didn't even REALIZE would turn into a "rid-able" wave until my instructor told me to start paddling....

But what if I’m lying to myself ? What if I CAN read the good waves ... and I’m missing them on purpose ?

Because I’m afraid...
AFRAID I won’t be able to ride them well..

UGH...FEAR...
WHY are you always lurking? Like that shark ..or JELLYFISH..in the water..
just WAITING to sting me....

Or do I think there is really going to be a “best” wave, and that's what I am holding out for?
Maybe I should just ride ANY wave..stop waiting for the "BEST" wave..and just ENJOY A RIDE...

Or maybe I just want to float for a while...and not catch ANY waves..
I so enjoyed the feel of the ocean water as it "cradled" me while I lie  motionless on top of the board....
Sometimes its nice just to float...stop trying so hard to catch EVERYTHING....
or ANYTHING.....
Maybe I've been trying to ride the "best" waves for too long...
And now..I'm just..

TIRED.

And just want to float....

But then, there is ALWAYS that ONE GREAT WAVE...that one GREAT RIDE...
That epic "HIT"...
That keeps you coming back for more..
Like any good junkie..

so that maybe..
JUST MAYBE.

you can feel that good once again..

But its never gonna be quite the same..
Cuz no two waves are ever the same.

But the amazing thing about the ocean, is there will ALWAYS be more waves..no matter how many good ones you let pass by...

there will always be more to come.

And just like the waves… our thoughts....our thoughts will come and go, with that same rhythmic pushing/pulling as the waves...
rolling in and out.
And like the waves, some thoughts will be better than others, but we don't  have to ride them all.
Because there will always be more to come…                                    

I also learned that waves in the early morning are much better to ride, because the air off the land is much cooler, and therefore sinks lower into the water, coming up beneath the waves, which allows them  to "ride" much longer.  As opposed to the afternoon, when the air is much warmer, causing it to rise and come down on top of the waves, which makes them break much sooner.

Maybe that's why I like my early mornings so much...
The cooler air...
The longer waves....
Once the heat of that day sets in, I begin to break much sooner....
FACEPLANT..
OVER and OVER
again...

So sometimes it's just nice...
To float...
Let the ocean water cradle and soothe me...

HOWEVER.... do not be disillusioned, because the ocean can hurt you too..
....throw you around,
pummel you with waves.

Or maybe you get stung by a GD*F Jellyfish while trying to ride those waves.  And even though it is only you and two young children taking those surf lesson, your 40y/o A$$ is the one running outta the water screaming...

But you CANNOT let the fear....or the sting, or the GD$F jellyfish win...
at least get into the water..
even if you just float for a while...

even if you let all the "good" ones pass you by...

Because there will always be more to come.

......and you just might catch a great one that you didn't even realize was a wave at all........

     RIDE (OR FLOAT!) ON MY FRIENDS!!

GREEN FIGS

I've realized two very crucial truths today:

Truth # 1: Green figs are in fact...DELICIOUS. One may confuse them for an "unripe" brown turkey fig, to which we are so accustomed to seeing in the South. However, Green Figs are actually a variety all their own. And even at their "fullest and ripest", they remain bright GREEN.  But don't be fooled, they are quite ripe..and MAGICALLY DELICIOUS...

Truth #2: I have lived with MANY MANY different people over the years: My parents and big bro, countless roommates in college and grad school, boys, girls, dogs, cats, birds, fish, snakes, ferrets, chameleons (college daze, don't ask!!) significant others, etc. And upon reflection I finally realized the person I had the HARDEST time living with was ...

MYSELF...

UGH...

ME.

Granted. I never leave the seat up, I don't leave disgustoid globs of toothpaste in the bathroom sink or dirty dishes in the kitchen sink and I ALWAYS courtesy flush (HOLLA!!).  Although admittedly....I do tend to leave windows and doors open, and often forget to turn off the faucet :o...

And I am beginning to wonder if the various roomie battles I have endured over the years as I voiced my frustrations and criticisms towards the other for not living according to my "standards", was more so a battle...with myself??

Maybe I was tired of trying to live to my own "standard"?? And maybe I was also ENVIOUS of  the aforementioned roomie, because at least they had the option to LEAVE, even if only for a brief moment.
They could have a REPRIEVE from me.

But I was STUCK...

stuck with myself..

every day..
and night.

There I was...
in the mirror...
again...
EVERY.SINGLE.DAY..

STILL.LIVING.HERE...

UGH....

It sure can be EXHAUSTING....

And I got into medicine because I wanted to help people achieve the best "version" of themselves, whatever that meant for them.  But I somehow lost this along the way, as I saw how people actually LIVED...and how incredibly different their "best version" was compared to what I had envisioned for them.

And as I was seeing patients in their homes, and tripping over empty boxes of Bojangles, and navigated around bowls of ice cream, stale bed residing pop tarts and cigarette smoke to assess patient vitals signs, and proceeded to voice my frustrations/recommendations for how they might improve their existence, I am now realizing maybe this IS the best version for them.  And no amount of medication, recommendation, encouragement or "advisement" on my part was going to change that.

And maybe I was envious of them TOO...
For being so satisfied with themselves...

EXACTLY AS THEY ARE...

Amongst the mes, and disorder.....and COPD...and diabetes, and hypertension, and dirty dishes.....and unfolded laundry... and empty containers, and unorganized mail...and...and...and....

I've been reaching and OVER reaching for a "standard" for

SO.DAMN.LONG...

and now...
....I'm finally UTTERLY
and TRULY

EXHAUSTED.....

I can feel it in my BONES...

and in my SOUL...

Medicine is not what I thought it would be, and I've completely lost my purpose  ...
In fact, I'm not sure I even had one to begin with..

And I've decided to turn it ALL in....

go back to the start...so I may begin again.

And while I'll continue to work towards the best version of myself..

NOW, I will ALSO (TRY REALLY HARD!!!) to be satisfied with myself ...EXACTLY as I am
IN THIS MOMENT..

with stains on my shirt,
dirty dishes in the sink,
unfolded laundry....

Kinda like the Green figs, life can be deceptively delicious even if one might suspect we are"unripe" and not ready for picking.....

I hope this will help inspire you too... to except yourself 

EXACTLY AS YOU ARE...

(BUT ALWAYS COURTESY FLUSH PEOPLE!!! ;) )

GREEN FIGS Courtesy of my beloved neighbors, whose tree I continue to "ravage" when they are out of town!!! Bike helmet collection as I often do "drive by" pedals to scope out availability... ;)

Bacon wrapped...

Sometimes I have an eating disorder..

and sometimes ..

I have bacon wrapped mozzarella on a stick, with a side of wasabi sauce..from a food truck..because it is EFFIN'..deLISCHOUS...

And maybe I feel like my MIND is "bacon wrapped" ...by this eating disorder...and medical career.

Suffocating me,

squeezing the life out of me...

until I can't breath.

And I have become so accustomed to being "breathless" that its the only way I know how to live anymore.

And then I remember... I can go back to retrieve my old classic SCHWINN..
and ride like I have always wanted to ..

UPRIGHT...
beautiful..

FREE...

And I can also retrieve a (NOT so old!) classic friend...who knew me WELL before my mind became "bacon wrapped" by the eating disorder...and the medical career...

and he reminds me that I am still..

BEAUTIFUL..

and free....

And sometimes you get stuck...running in an effin' DOWNPOUR on your way to your girl's house to retrieve that old classic SCHWINN. And there you are...screaming, running, crying in the rain, but running as fast you as you can to get out of the effin downpour.
You show up in her garage, drenched, sopping wet.  She hands you some towels, and you both commiserate in the garage at the misery of the pouring rain..

UNTIL...

The sun finally comes out.

And now you are handed another opportunity to ride...
upright..
beautiful...
and FREE.

SO my loves....I leave you with this:
While some may believe the only "SURE" thing in life is "Death and Taxes"...I would like to add to that list...the SUN..because it will MOST DEFINITELY ALWAYS..ALWAYS...

ALWAYS

RISE AGAIN....

BROKEN...but still Beautiful...

This is a BEAUTIFUL stem glass my Mother brought back for me from Isola Bella, an island in the middle of Lake Maggiore in Northern Italy.  

After ONE ...

yes..ONE use, 

I successfully broke it!! 

It safely made the journey from Italy to the US, from NJ to NC, and lasted about 20 minutes in my possession.
But it is a perfect example of a beautifully broken glorious disaster ....

"Maybe some people just like to be sick.." he said, as I was reflecting on how my lil small town medical office is like the "Cheers" of Rural NC.

Because when you are here...EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME because you are here

EVERY.
DAMN.
WEEK..

Because maybe some people just like to be sick.

Because maybe some of us only know how to exist in perpetual 'recovery'...

BECAUSE...

“Life is what happens as you live with the wounds. Life is not a matter of getting the wounds out of the way so that you can finally live. Wounds are never permanently erased. We are fragile beings, and some days we break all over again.” Geneen Roth

But the question is.......can you co exist with someone else and continue to watch them break all over again ...and trust that they can put the pieces back together again, even if they don't want to use your glue??

Can you allow yourself to continue to break all over again, in their presence, knowing you will not accept their glue...and knowing the heartache you are causing as they watch your pieces crumble to the ground?

Or maybe when we break all over again together, our pieces get mixed up during the "clean up"...and we end up with some of the other's pieces glued to ourselves ......

and together we become a magnificent collage o' ruins...

....a BEAUTIFUL and GLORIOUS disaster.

And maybe its better to enjoy being simultaneously broken...revel in your glorious disaster-ness...
and not try so hard to glue each other back together again...

Because we are all RECOVERING ..

EVERY.
DAMN.
DAY.

whether its wounds from the day, week or years ago.

Some of us are just so much more "cool" about it....and don't get their feathers ruffled, or their panties in a bind.

But there are some of us are who are a total DISASTER...running, and pedaling, and starving and punishing ourselves for being susceptible to such wounds in the first place.

Because sometimes my hands will literally tremble and shake as I try to get the food to my mouth. And I often wonder if my "clumsy" is just my subtle attempt to drop the food on purpose so I won't have to eat it.

Or maybe I'm shaking and trembling because I drink COPIOUS amounts of coffee... :)

And maybe I need to stop drinking it black...and add a little creamer every now and then.
Because there are times when the starvation...like the black coffee..becomes too bitter...

And maybe the eating disorder doesn't have to be SO DAMN SERIOUS all the time...

Because the funny thing about the eating disorder...is that its NOT about the food....
Its about protection..and survival.

And it is in the starving where I can find the answers.

Starvation helps to eliminate the unnecessary..strips me down to the core, and allows me to focus
on the most vital concerns...

like survival ...

But maybe I don't need to spend every day just "trying to survive"..

Maybe I can spend some days actually LIVING.

I can add a little bit o' cream...and sit back and enjoy the beautiful and glorious disastrous collage we have created together ..

until one of us breaks...

ALL

OVER

AGAIN.